Overcoming the Challenges of Single Parenting

Stephanie and the girls walking

It’s no secret that single parenting is one of the most difficult thing some of us will face in our lives.  Some of us unexpectedly became single parents because of divorce or a loss of a spouse, and others are single parents by choice.  Either way, this is no small task.  Parenting is hard enough with two parents sharing the load, but when one parent is left to do the job of two the challenges multiply.

From the time I was a little girl, I dreamed of having a happy family with two loving parents.  I so desperately wanted the family I didn’t have growing up, the parents that stayed together.  I wanted my children to have a father that was there for them.  I felt devastated when my marriage fell apart and left me with a ‘broken family’ and two children to raise alone.

Why me?  How could this happen?  How can I do this alone?

Grief and Acceptance

My dream was shattered and I had to grieve the loss of what I thought my life would look like.  Not just the loss of my marriage, but of my partner, my family, my home, two incomes, and my children’s future.  Not only did I grieve my own loss, I grieved my children’s loss of the father and the family they would never have.

For the first couple years after my divorce, I avoided events that involved families.  Watching dads play with their children and wives laugh with their husbands just about crushed me.  I felt so alone, so lost.  I felt like a fraud trying fit in with other families when my family had broken apart.  I didn’t know who I was or where I fit in.

But then I started attending recovery support groups and met some other single moms.  I found comfort and strength in knowing that I wasn’t alone.  God made his children to live in community and wants good for us, and he gave me exactly what I needed to start healing.  My single mom friends became our extended family, and our village started to grow.  Having people to walk with as I grieved was essential to my healing.  My family didn’t look like I thought it would, but this was my new family.  Over time, as I found acceptance for my situation, I grew more comfortable spending time with other families.  Single parent families are not ‘broken’ and are just as worthy of love and belonging as families with two parents.

Learning to Love Again

In the beginning, I struggled with feelings of guilt and shame about being divorced.  There are so many Bible verses about how God hates divorce, so I thought he would be angry with me and punish me for breaking up my marriage.  I also worried what other people thought of me, that they would see me as damaged goods.  I didn’t believe that I could ever find love again or that I even deserved to be loved.

I also read plenty of verses where God says I am his child, his beloved, and wants good for me.  He has a plan for me, a good plan.  He will take care of me.  I laid my marriage in his hands, and he delivered me from an abusive situation.  That was his plan and that is the love of our heavenly Father.  I discovered a love greater than any earthly father or husband could ever give, and in that I find comfort in my circumstances.  I am loved, no matter what.  God will never walk out on me and will never place conditions on his love.  I was looking for love in all the wrong places, expecting from men what only God could give.

I have been divorced for almost four years, and I haven’t been on a single date yet.  That’s the longest I’ve gone without a boyfriend since I was 16.  I always thought I needed a partner to feel complete, like I needed someone else to show me how to love myself.  But God is transforming my heart and showing me greater love than I have ever experienced.  An unconditional, never-ending, overwhelming kind of love.  I’m finally learning to love myself, to see myself as he sees me, to feel worthy of love.  And I know when the time is right, according to his plan, not mine, he will lead me to someone who will love me like I deserve to be loved and who I can love like he deserves to be loved.

Balancing the Load Alone

It’s no doubt that single parents, and especially solo parents, have a tremendous load to carry on their own.  Families with two parents can share that load and always have a backup if one parent is unavailable.  Figuring out how to balance the load has been one of my greatest challenges.  I have full custody of my girls, work a full-time job, manage all the finances, cook all the meals, do all the schlepping, and run a household.  It’s no wonder I fall into bed exhausted every night.

Single parents need a village to help carry the load.  We cannot do this job completely on our own, and there are times when we will need other people to help us.  Asking for help can feel like we are burdening others, but I have learned that people like to help.  I have such gratitude for my sister and her husband who do so much for me, like watching my kids when I have to work or need time to myself, feeding us dinner and sending us with leftovers, taking my kids when I’m sick, and rescuing me when my car breaks down.  But they have three kids of their own, so they’re not always available, and I have other mom friends who I can turn to for help.  I have also discovered that I am able to do more than I ever believed I could on my own.  Single parenting has helped me find my inner strength, courage, and purpose.

Give Me a Break

Exhaustion and overwhelm are frequent visitors of mine.  I put so much pressure on myself to do everything perfectly and to always look like I have it all together.  I think I put more pressure on myself as a single mom because I want to prove that I can handle it all on my own.  And when I can’t handle it, shame steps in and leads to anger, yelling, and disconnection.  That’s the biggest sign that I need to take better care of myself.

We all need a break, time to nurture ourselves and refuel our spirits.  I know a lot of us think that taking time for ourselves is selfish, that we should take care of others first, especially our children.  But how can we be the parents we want to be with no gas and a dead battery?  We have to take care of ourselves first so that we can be present with our children.

Taking time away from our children is challenging, but we can build small breaks, moments of peace, into our daily routines.  One way I practice self-care is by getting up early so I have time to read, do yoga, and take a shower in peace and quiet.  I love my morning routine and start my day feeling so much more peaceful and connected.  I also take some time for myself after they go to bed and sleep so much better when I take time to nurture myself before crawling under the covers.  Being tired is one of my biggest triggers for a mommy meltdown, so I make sure to get plenty of sleep.  One night a week I get a babysitter so I can have some time to myself to run errands, meet up with a friend, or just sit in a coffee shop and read.  I look forward to this night each week and feel so much more peaceful when I nurture myself.

We are not alone on this journey.  We do not have to carry the load on our own.  We are worth being loved.  We deserve to take care of ourselves.  I have such gratitude for the lessons I have learned and the strength I have found in this journey.  Single parenting is no doubt challenging, but if we allow it to the challenges we face can be our greatest teachers.

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